Saturday, November 1, 2008

A week later and I miss the Thunder..

It is amazing how things can change in a week.  The house is quiet tonight and I hate it!  As I sit here on the couch, tears come to my eyes.  I miss him terribly.  Tonight, there is no monitor on with the sound of the sleep machine, humidifier, and my U2 Lullaby CD playing (You can never start them too early).  In the corner of the living room, lies all of his toys like a Fisher Price graveyard, untouched, just how he left them.  We knew the day would come, but had no clue how it would impact us.   

Yesterday around 1 pm, the grey Honda minivan pulled into our driveway.  Normally, its a race to the door when the Robinson family comes to our house.  It felt like we were all glued in place, with the exception of little Brit of course.  She was excited to see her girl friends.  At the moment, she didn't fully understand what was happening.  I'm not exactly sure how long it takes to fall in love with someone, but I can say that it takes approximately 13 days for it to feel like a death in the family when I had to strap him into his carseat and watch them pull away! Having lived on this earth for 32 years, I have never felt the way I do these past two days.  The closest that I have come to this feeling is when Brooke and I lost a child in 2006.  The hard thing about this time around is that there is a face to our loss.  

13 days with baby Thunder has changed our lives.  I have a new perspective on prayer, that's for sure.  I also have a new respect for parents with multiple children.  What a tough day.  We thank the Lord for having the opportunity to see our own Hannah Montana in action with her buddies last night!  There is a proud feeing inside a parents heart, when your 3 year old figures out that lights on at a house equals candy!  She was a true Trick or Treat champion!  It helped us to have something else to focus on.

Brooke, Brit, and I spent 13 days with a child that we continue to pray that will be a permanent member of our family one day.  We will continue to pray for his family as well.  It has been a hard process on them with his re-entry back into their lives.  For some reason, it has been easier on me to keep the door closed to his room.  Before his arrival, it was fun spending time in there imagining what life will be like with him in our life.  Now its hard for us to imagine him not in our lives.  

Prior to his arrival 2 weeks ago, we as a family have been praying every night with Brit that God would bring home baby Tusie.  Tatanka, is the Lakota word for Buffalo.  Sadly, how rare is the Buffalo?  We knew that this vision/calling to adopt a Lakota boy wasn't your everyday normal adoption for a white Williamson county family and how fitting it was to nickname him Tatanka.  So, we put a name to the boy for us to pray for.  Brit had a hard time with Tatanka, so it eventually morphed into baby Tusie!  After time, Brit became pretty territorial about Tusie's room, and his likeness.  As the possibility of Baby Thunder coming to stay for us for a while became a reality, Brooke and I talked to Brit about what her thoughts were if Baby Thunder could be Baby Tusie.  She was not having it for a second.  She made it very clear that baby Thunder could come and stay with us for a couple of weeks, and that it was even ok if he stayed in Tusie's room, but we have been praying for a long-term brother, and baby Tusie was a brother that was gonna stay!   It has been  so sweet watching her fall in love with a little boy that she hadn't met yet.  This morning, as we are all feeling the loss of Thunder, Brit informed her mommy that she wanted wanted Thunder to come back home, and that she wanted Thunder to be Tusie!  As weird or funny it may sound to you, it was such a miracle for Brooke and I.  To see the Lord change Brit's heart.  To see her fall so in love with the little guy, makes my day and breaks my heart all the same.

I am not the best at sitting in the moment.  It is easier for me to keep busy and try and escape my feelings.  I convinced myself that our yard was getting way out of control and it needed to be cut.  After lunch at Merridee's, Brooke and Brit took a nap and I hit the yard.  Armed with my ipod, I did my best to drown out the sadness by loud music and the growl of our trusty push mower!  I am sure that my neighbors think that I am crazy as I spent most of the two hours with tears running down my face.  Since my neighbor's husband is out on the road, it was easy to talk myself into cutting their yard too.  An extra yard meant more time, more time outside meant less time in the house with the constant reminder that Thunder is gone.  It is so funny how God uses children to teach you a lesson.  Mowing, crying, and feeling like crap, out of the corner of my eye stood a little 3 year old boy looking up at me with something obvious to say.  I turned the mower off, and took my ear buds out to see what he had to say.  "Mr. Chris, is it ok if I pray for you?" A freakin 3 year old asked me if he could pray for me, and it took all the strength that I had to not fall on the ground into a pile of mush and cry like a baby.  He prayed the sweetest prayer for me, my family, and for Baby Thunder.  What an incredible example for me.  Through tears I thanked him, his Mom, and his baby sis who joined him in prayer.  I have been talking, and writing so much about prayer lately.  How quickly do we forget.  Practice what you preach right?  The rest of the yard went a lot better as the hurt in my heart was replaced with a peace I can't describe.  

Thanks to all of you who have prayed for us, and continue to pray.  We are doing well, and we are not doing so well (those who go to FBC will understand that more).  We still have hope that Thunder will come back to us.  We believe that God is not done with this story and is up to something special.   Please continue to pray for his Mom and Dad as well.  Stay tuned, we love you family!


kim said...

Chris and Brooke,
We usually don't go to Saturday service, but we did last night and The Lord has placed you guys on my heart almost non-stop since I saw you at church. Know that we are praying like crazy for you guys and me heart breaks for you and what you are going through. Our God can move mountains and I am praying HE will in your situation.

TNgeekmomma said...

wow. I am crying now. Love you guys, and the whole family will keep praying.