I wasn't born to trust the Lord...

Today has been such an odd day of emotions so far. The worst part of it all is that its only 10:55. Brooke and I are meeting today with the birth parents of Baby Thunder, our Lawyer, and the Robinson Family to hopefully finalize some of the legal stuff for our adoption. My stomach is in a weird place this morning (which isn't really that different for most mornings) and I am very anxious about this meeting. We have been under such a time crunch through most of this adoption process, and again, God is reminding me that my Casio G-Shock watch doesn't stand for GOD-Shock. My timing is not his, and I will confess, that scares me.

I realized this morning that I wasn't born to trust the Lord. It has to be a choice. I am realizing that is has to be a daily choice for me. Got a text this morning from a friend of mine. His daughter was having an operation on her ears and having her adenoids removed. Instantly, I began to pray. My prayers lately have been so sincere, and it is so refreshing to me. God has burdened my heart so much for prayer, even more so, prayers for our children. After I prayed, it was so odd how easy it was for me to go back into this world of anxiousness for our meeting today. For most of the morning, I have beat myself up about my fears and disbelief. Why wasn't I born to trust the Lord?

The more and more that I have wrestled today with my lack of faith, God has done some cool things in my heart despite my disbelief. I can imagine the fear of an army of men behind me, knowing that the guy up ahead leading us, was an idiot. I know that he had done some pretty cool stuff already and all, but still, I wasn't born to trust the Lord. A huge oh CRAP moment was when he led us to a dead end, and that dead end was the Red Sea. I was right, they called me a skeptic, but there is no way that we would make it out alive now. My prayer at that moment is that the the Egyptian Army would have mercy on us, well me, and that I could at least go back to Egypt into my life of Slavery. At that moment, one of the most amazing things happened and I don't expect you to believe me. The Red Sea split in two. It was the most amazing thing that I have experienced in my entire life. Somehow, some way, God allowed us to cross the Red Sea on foot. I remember reaching out and touching the wall of water. It was as tall as the sky. I could see fish swimming beside me, and what was odd, there was no look of fear in their eyes. I would think they had never seen this before, or ever experienced something like this. It was if they were expecting it. It was a long walk, but we made it to the other side. Standing there on the shore, I watched as the Egyptian army began to make their way through the opening in the sea to come after us. They would surely catch us now. We began to run and in fear I turned to look back to see how much closer they were. At that moment, the walls of the sea came crashing down! The rage of the sea spared no life, and we were no longer being chased by an Army. We were now safe? I stood there in Awe! Could my God love me enough to save me despite my fear and my lack of faith? What an incredible day, what and incredible God. The guy up front, leading us, he isn't as crazy as I thought. That night we made it to a quiet place to make camp for the evening. Sitting by the fire, I looked up into the starry night and thanked Yahweh for his mercy on me. That morning, I woke up early. I stood up to see the rising sun. What would God have in store for us today? Would we make it to where we were going? Will he lead us to safety and to this promised land of ours? I began feel the fear well up inside of me. Its funny how quickly I forgot what the Lord had done yesterday. Today was another day, and my fears were getting the best of me. What else is new, its not like I was born to trust the Lord...