It's a start...

Ok, I know that it has been a very long time since many of you heard from me last. What you don't know, is that I have sat down in front of this very screen over a dozen times over the past three to four months to write what is on my heart and "bare all" to what I am feeling or going through. Even now as I type, my hands are shaking (more than usual for those of you who really know me) and I confess my fear. I am afraid of you knowing how I have felt or better yet, how I am still feeling. The truth is, many of you (to my own fault) don't know the real Chris Byers. Honestly, I am not sure that I even know who I am. For a long time, I was anxious to know, but the more that I have been honest about where I am at, the more I have scared myself. I am afraid of your judgement the most, and I don't know where that comes from.

If you are hoping for me to continue, I do apologize that won't happen tonight. I want for that time to come, but I am just not ready. I have felt like a tool in that so many of you have been so amazing to my family and I to love and pray for us during this tough season of our lives. I have so wanted to come to this blog and write the perfect post, that would capture where I am, where we are, and what has been going on since Thunder left our family. I have no clue where that comes from either. However, I will do my best to give you an update on Thunder, which is what most of you have been thirsty for anyway. (sorry for the babbling)

On Tuesday March 23rd, just 6 days before our little princess Brit turned 4 years old, what I thought would never happen came true. Not sure that I would ever admit to loving elements of a storm, but it was an amazing gift to know that Thunder was in our forecast! What a long day. I thought for sure that the 6pm would never come that day. If I am honest with you, my biggest fear was that Thunder wouldn't remember us...and if I was really honest, I was scared that he wouldn't remember me. I have felt so much guilt of letting him go, cause I knew somewhere in my mind that things wouldn't end up well for him.

I will do my best to continue to cover Thunder's biological parents with as much respect as I can muster. Sadly, they made some choices that led to the State Social Services stepping in and removing Thunder from their care. I HATE what he has seen and been through in the 19 months of his life. I love him so much and I can't believe that we have been given another chance to be his mommy, daddy, sister (Brit is so happy that her only prayer over the last couple of months has come true...my baby brother has come home), and furry brother to Thunder again.

We are walking through the process of Fostering Thunder through the state. The people that gave birth to Thunder (I hate saying parents, cause I believe we are his family!! ok, I am a little biassed, can you blame me?) have 3 months to get their act together and have the chance to once again, take Thunder back into their care. It has been so amazing to see and feel the support from the rest of the Thunder's family and close friends that we are his family and that this is where he belongs. This is such a scary process for us, and I am so afraid to lose him again. I know the churchy thing to say is to fear not, or to have faith, but at this place, I can't deny what is true, I am dreadfully scared to lose my Son again!

At the end of the 3 month process, if the biologicals are unable to get their "act" together, then the process to terminate the parental rights will begin with the state. Notice I said begin. It will take much longer than that, and we will not be completely out of the dark. We still have a HUGE wall to face if and when the parental rights are terminated. The wall known as The Tribe. Since Thunder is Native American, and we're not, under the Indian Child Welfare Act, we are not the "best" fit for him. I want so much to teach Thunder about his heritage and to give him the chance to who he wants to be. My dream for him is that he could one day return to his people and make a difference...to make a difference that I once was so passionate about, but too much of a coward to fight for. I am so sad to know that he could be taken from us or any family for that matter who would love and care for him like he was our own biological child just because we are not Native enough.

If you are the praying type, you can pray specifically for a lady that I will call EAGLE. She has a lot of say in our case and even other families who are encountering similar obstacles that we are. I know that history speaks for itself. Sadly, many Native children's locks were chopped off, moccasins and regalia taken away, and forced those children to be something that they were not. A white Christian. I have no desire to do that to my son. I want him to know who he is, and give him the same choice that I was given, to accept or reject Christ. The only thing that I can guarantee EAGLE is that we will love Thunder with all of our hearts, and do our best to give him the opportunity to be who he was born to be. If that is to be the next Sitting Bull or the next Tyler Hansbrough, it will be Thunder's choice to make that decision.

We have a long a scary road ahead, but we are thankful that our Son is home. We will cherish every moment and hope for another! He is doing so amazing! He has been sleeping well, eating well, and has been super mobile! When he was with us before, he wasn't walking, and now with his newfound mobility, it has been fun to see what he gets himself into. We love him more than you know. He has changed our lives so much and has had such a profound impact on our story. I will never be the same because of him. Thank you so much for your interest in our story. Your love, support, and prayers have been pillars for us to lean on when to be honest, it was much easier to give up. I am thankful for my wife and her courage and faith during this time. I wish I had a 1/8 of her faith an hope!

I will do my best to make more updates about this process, so check back every once and a while...

Seventy Six (76)

For seventy six days, our family has had the honor to love a stranger like he was our own. I remember a time where I really struggled to think that I would have to divide my love for another child. Brit has been the biggest blessing that i could ever imagine for our family. How in the world could I love another child half as much as I love her. They say that "you just do." They are unfortunately right. While baby Thunder wasn't a conceived by Brooke and I, it sure felt like he was my son. He is such a precious boy and I (we) hate to see him go. I have no clue what this journey was for. It has left more questions than answers. This process has been incredibly hard, harder than anything that I have been through in my life.

Today, around 3:30 in the afternoon, we had to let go of Thunder into his mother's arms. She is doing much better these days and is on the path to healing. It was so hard to let go of him, the ride home seemed like it took days and I know that I have never cried like that in my life. Thank you to all of you have prayed with and for us.

New Adoption Update

Friends and Family,

I hope that each of you are doing well today. I come to you with hope today, and if I am honest with myself and each of you, I come with lots of fear and anxiety as well. Tomorrow is a very big day for our family. It seems like the day would never come before Thunder's birth parents would mutually agree to appear before a Williamson County Judge to release their rights as parents over to Brooke and I.

We have a court date tomorrow morning at 9:30 CST for the birth father and 9:45 CST for the birth mom. This is D day for them, and we can't imagine how hard this must be for them both, because we know that they love Thunder so much. Even if they both show up and sign the appropriate documents tomorrow, we are still not out of the woods. They both have 10 days to back out with no questions asked. You can't imagine how overwhelming this is for us.

God has had us on this journey with Thunder for over a month now where he has been living with us full time. We have fallen more and more in love with him, and it seems that he kinda loves us too! He has been doing amazing, and has been sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks now (which was a much needed answer to prayer), He is becoming more confident in our home and with Brooke, Britain, Scout, and I. He has even grown attached to my Mom and Dad, who have been amazing to step in and help us with him. We can't imagine life without him!

Brooke and I have been praying and even verbalizing that all that we want for Christmas is Thunder to be a permanent part of the Byers family. Its amazing how God changes your priorities. He has been making leaps and bounds this past week with us. He is finally starting to understand the weight of what his name means (Thunder Walks First) and has begun to make his stand! I forgot how amazing it is to experience your child taking their first steps. It has been such a blessing. We know it won't be long before the pitter patter of 8 feet running around our home (if you are having trouble with the math, that would be Big Sis Brit leading the expedition, Thunder in Tow, and Big brother Scout following up the rear). What a Christmas miracle it would be for Thunder to be with us! Without knowing what day our Lawyer could schedule with the court for Thunder's birth parents to sign their paperwork, he let us know that Monday the 15th of December would be the day. We are hoping for a miracle this Christmas! A great friend shared with us a song a few weeks ago that is so fitting for us. It;s a new Christmas song by Faith Hill called, "A Baby Changes Everything." Obviously, the spiritual context of the song applies to all believers in Christ in that baby Jesus has changed our lives and our destiny forever! But for the Byers family, baby Thunder has changed us in more ways than one. Mostly, he has changed our hearts and our perspective. Life is not and should not be all about us. God is calling us and challenging us to live what we believe, practice what we preach, to live dangerously with our hands open wide open to the world around us. I will confess that it is way more natural for me to make a fist than it is to let go and trust the Lord with everything.

It should come as no surprise to us, or anyone who has been following our story that I just got a call from our Attorney as I sit and type this update to you. The birthparents are having some major second thoughts about giving Thunder up for adoption. He is a special little boy and I can't imagine what its like for them to make this decision. Please pray for us. Please pray that we would trust the Lord in this, and that He would work a miracle! It is so easy for us to fall into fear, and not trust Him. Please pray for strength for Brooke and I. We have been advised to give some kind of deadline to the birth parents that we are not able to continue like this. If they are to back out, it is quite possible that Thunder will leave us this week. That hurts so much to type. Please pray for them. Pray that the Lords will be done. Please pray that we will have the strength to trust God and trust His will. On a special note, please prat for Britain. She senses our pain at the moment, and it has been hard for us to explain to a 3 year old what is going on. Her faith has been amazing, and her love for her little brother has been so precious to us. She is a true gift from the Lord and has been so patient with us as we have walked through this season. We love you all, and thank you for your support in Prayer.

Feel free to pass this along to all that will pray!


WIth Hope,

Chris, Brooke, Britain, Thunder, and Scout

I wasn't born to trust the Lord...

Today has been such an odd day of emotions so far. The worst part of it all is that its only 10:55. Brooke and I are meeting today with the birth parents of Baby Thunder, our Lawyer, and the Robinson Family to hopefully finalize some of the legal stuff for our adoption. My stomach is in a weird place this morning (which isn't really that different for most mornings) and I am very anxious about this meeting. We have been under such a time crunch through most of this adoption process, and again, God is reminding me that my Casio G-Shock watch doesn't stand for GOD-Shock. My timing is not his, and I will confess, that scares me.

I realized this morning that I wasn't born to trust the Lord. It has to be a choice. I am realizing that is has to be a daily choice for me. Got a text this morning from a friend of mine. His daughter was having an operation on her ears and having her adenoids removed. Instantly, I began to pray. My prayers lately have been so sincere, and it is so refreshing to me. God has burdened my heart so much for prayer, even more so, prayers for our children. After I prayed, it was so odd how easy it was for me to go back into this world of anxiousness for our meeting today. For most of the morning, I have beat myself up about my fears and disbelief. Why wasn't I born to trust the Lord?

The more and more that I have wrestled today with my lack of faith, God has done some cool things in my heart despite my disbelief. I can imagine the fear of an army of men behind me, knowing that the guy up ahead leading us, was an idiot. I know that he had done some pretty cool stuff already and all, but still, I wasn't born to trust the Lord. A huge oh CRAP moment was when he led us to a dead end, and that dead end was the Red Sea. I was right, they called me a skeptic, but there is no way that we would make it out alive now. My prayer at that moment is that the the Egyptian Army would have mercy on us, well me, and that I could at least go back to Egypt into my life of Slavery. At that moment, one of the most amazing things happened and I don't expect you to believe me. The Red Sea split in two. It was the most amazing thing that I have experienced in my entire life. Somehow, some way, God allowed us to cross the Red Sea on foot. I remember reaching out and touching the wall of water. It was as tall as the sky. I could see fish swimming beside me, and what was odd, there was no look of fear in their eyes. I would think they had never seen this before, or ever experienced something like this. It was if they were expecting it. It was a long walk, but we made it to the other side. Standing there on the shore, I watched as the Egyptian army began to make their way through the opening in the sea to come after us. They would surely catch us now. We began to run and in fear I turned to look back to see how much closer they were. At that moment, the walls of the sea came crashing down! The rage of the sea spared no life, and we were no longer being chased by an Army. We were now safe? I stood there in Awe! Could my God love me enough to save me despite my fear and my lack of faith? What an incredible day, what and incredible God. The guy up front, leading us, he isn't as crazy as I thought. That night we made it to a quiet place to make camp for the evening. Sitting by the fire, I looked up into the starry night and thanked Yahweh for his mercy on me. That morning, I woke up early. I stood up to see the rising sun. What would God have in store for us today? Would we make it to where we were going? Will he lead us to safety and to this promised land of ours? I began feel the fear well up inside of me. Its funny how quickly I forgot what the Lord had done yesterday. Today was another day, and my fears were getting the best of me. What else is new, its not like I was born to trust the Lord...

Helpless does not have to be Hopeless

The last few months have been such a blur for us. Of course while we were in the moment, it seemed as if some days had 100 hours to them. God is so good. Maybe for the first time in my life, I believe this statement to be true, and much more than a catchy cliché coin phrase that we (I) toss around. What seemed to me impossible for our family seems to be happening right before our very eyes. I guess that it’s in moments like these, that I find God the most. You see, I am such a do-er and a fixer. I am wired to see a problem and attack it. I want to solve and do everything that I can to fix the problem or resolve the issue. I can only assume that God is laughing as I type this.

We are not out of the woods yet, but I refuse to lose hope at this point. I am realizing that I can feel helpless, but I never have to be hopeless. I know it’s a choice, and I pray that I never lose hope. A little over two weeks ago, we had to say goodbye to baby Thunder. As I have shared in previous Facebook and Blog posts ( http://neilpickford.blogspot.com ) , it was one of the most difficult things that we had to do as a family. It didn’t just impact me, or Brooke; it was a loss to us all. I will confess to you, that I have wrestled with the Lord over why he would put this calling on our life to adopt a Native American child if it was impossible for us to accomplish. What an idiot I have been. It has been so easy for me to think that we were in this alone. Not only did God put this on our hearts, I think He wanted to make sure that we knew that it wasn’t something that we could do on our own.. but He can. I know I know, it sounds churchy, but in truth, it is what it is. God knew that I would try and figure a way on my own. Likewise, He also knew that I would also fail on my own. He also knew that people like you would rally around us, and we are truly grateful.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this time. Your prayers have been strong pillars of faith for us to lean on during times of doubt and weakness. I have never felt so much support from the body, like I have through this journey. Your prayers have been working, and for us, the time has come for the rubber to meet the road. When we started the official process of adoption, Brooke and I “knew” that it was going to be a long and expensive road ahead. We believed that it would take us a year or two to complete the necessary paperwork and pay for the different costs involved. We thought that we would have the “perfect” amount of time to plan when would be the most “perfect” and convenient time for our new Son to come and live with us. Again, one word, Idiots!

While on the road while on vacation with my family, I received yet another call from the Robinson Family! “Chris, they (Thunder’s birth parents) are ready for you and Brooke to bring Thunder home.” My heart sank, and my stomach did some weird things (just ask Dad). Could all of this really be happening? God is so much bigger than my timetable, and definitely bigger than my inadequacies. We have had to switch into fast gear! We have contacted a Lawyer who will take care of the legal process. We had hoped to have time to do several key fundraising opportunities over the next 6-8 months to raise support for the costs involved in the adoption.

Please do not think that this is about asking for your money. We have struggled through this process of knowing that we would have to ask for help. It has been a struggle because I know that I am not a huge fan of support letters and I know that this time of the year is tough on our wallets and that the economy that we are in has been hard for us all. A good friend of mine asked me not to keep people out of our needs. “Let them decide”, he said. I do not want you to feel any pressure at all to give, however we are asking that you pray that the Lord would help us with the funds needed to make this happen. Through this process, we have come to really value prayer more than anything. Here are some of the financial needs that we have to cover:

• Homestudy (We have to get this done ASAP. We were under the impression that we didn’t have to get a homestudy since this is a private adoption and not through an agency.)
• Adoption Attorney fees
• Court Costs and filing fees.
• Some medical needs for baby Thunder
• Some practical items like clothing, diapers, wipes, a car seat, etc…

Our church, Fellowship Bible Church, has a special fund to help families who are trying to adopt. The I Choose You Adoption Fund has been established to encourage people to become generously involved in the adoption adventure of others. Monetary donations for adoptive families should be made payable to “Fellowship Bible Church” with “I Choose You” identified on the memo line. Donations should also be accompanied by a separate note, which gives our name (Chris and Brooke Byers) as the intended recipients.

Fellowship Bible Church: 1210 Franklin Road, Brentwood, TN 37027

What we do know is that this private adoption will cost significantly less than going through an agency. As a guess, we imagine that the cost of this adoption, and the medical and practical needs should not exceed $10,000. There will be financial accountability with the church. As needs arise, we have to turn in receipts and/or invoices to the church in order to request the funds. This keeps us honest and from taking your money to buy me a new iPhone and a matching scooter for Brooke. ☺

It is also important for you to know, that if more funds come in than are needed for this adoption, the remaining balance will be placed into a general adoption fund for other families wanting to adopt. In addition, you need to know that according to IRS regulations, the church is under no obligation to disburse your gifts to us as directed; otherwise your gifts would not be tax deductible. If you prefer, you may send donations directly to us, but then they obviously would not be tax deductible. If you prefer, you can send a check or gift card (for some of the practical needs). Please email me at chris@offstageministries.com for info on how to do so.

Please continue to pray for the biological parents of baby Thunder. This decision has been a tough one for them, and has not been an easy process. The birth mom has met with our Lawyer and is ready to move forward in this process. She is amazing and we have grown to lover her so much. Thunder’s Dad is having a really tough time with this. Please pray that God would give him a peace about this if it is indeed His will. We also pray for Wisdom for our attorney as we proceed and for favor with the TN Judicial system and Lakota Sioux tribal Government. Thank you for partnering with us and loving us so well by your prayers and support. If this is the first time you have heard about this, and have a ton of time to read my ramblings, feel free to catch up on our story at: http://neilpickford.blogspot.com/2008/11/isnt-it-funny-how-your-perspective.html or http://neilpickford.blogspot.com/2008/11/week-later-and-i-miss-thunder.html and http://neilpickford.blogspot.com/2008/11/what-do-you-say.html

Election

I have kept my mouth shut long enough, and wanted to get some thoughts down.  I have been so encouraged to see the turnout of voters (for both sides) this time around.  We have a freedom that so many of us have taken for granted.  I have also been discouraged a bit.  I have seen the church respond in a way that frustrates me.  I am sure that this won't make me popular, but I wonder if God gives a rip about this Election?  We seem to think that this election is the center of the Universe.  Tomorrow, the decision will be final, and our country will have a new President and the same issues that have frustrated us, haunted us, scared us, and even encouraged us, will be waiting for us.  I think that its important for the Church, and I preach to myself, to step up.  There is nothing to fear for us who believe in Christ.  God can use Obama and God can use McCain to lead this country and its politics, but God has been calling us, the Church. to lead.  Tomorrow, I commit to my current President to continue to pray for wisdom for him and that he can finish well, and that we as a country would allow him to.  In addition, I will 100% support my new President whomever it shall be.  God is still in control, and as he looks down on mother Earth, his heart doesn't beat any harder for America more than it does for Iraq.  I feel like we have gotten too big for our britches as a country.  We keep saying God bless America....when will America bless God?  Church, its time for us to stand in the gap and not expect our President or Government to do what the Lord has placed at our hands and feet to do.  I thank the men and women who have fought and died for this freedom, and for those still serving our Country.   What a great time in our history.  Let us sit together tonight for these last few hours, and sit in Unity.  

What do you say?

Words fail me right now, and I struggle to even write.  I have found this to be very therapeutic, to just get it out, so I will do my best.  First, I must say thank you so much to all of you who have been in prayer for our family.  I never thought that we would experience what we did tonight. Brooke and I were sitting at our dining room table this evening when I got a call.  Charles called me to let me know that Thunder's Mom wanted to meet us tonight.  God has had us on such a roller coaster ride.  Around 6pm tonight, the time had finally come, it was time to meet Thunder's mom.  Anxious, Brooke, Brit and I made our way to the Robinson home.  Before we knew it, we were sitting in a circle together to discuss the option of us becoming Thunder's new parents.  What do you say in a moment like this?  My heart went out to this young Mom as she quietly sat before two complete strangers who are in love with her son.  She was very shy and had little to say.  She did share that she thought it was the right thing to do to allow him to become our Son.  What a tough place for her.  Our hearts were broken for her as we knew this was probably the hardest and most awkward thing that she has had to do in her entire life.   As awkward as it was, it was also sweet.  She quickly came to the decision that the next step was to talk to Thunder's Dad.  And when I say, next step, I literally mean, the next step.  Before we knew it, we were left to watch 7 kids as they left to go and meet with him. Brooke and I were completely surprised that this was even happening.  As it would happen, the Dad was very taken back as to what he was asked to do.  Once again, the phone rang!  Charles called to let us know that the father wanted to meet us!  What in the world.  Before we knew it, we were in the same room with the parents of baby Thunder, Charles and his wife, and even Thunder himself.  Thunder's eyes speak of such sadness.  Not just sadness of his own story, but the story of his people.  Face to face with his Father, I know where Thunder's eyes came from.  

Our time was sweet, our time was hard, our time was awkward.  But, I felt Jesus in our midst. We have to trust that He is in this.  As we left it, it is now in the Dad's court.  He has a lot to wrestle with.  A lot of thoughts and emotions are weighing heavy on this man tonight.  Please pray that God would meet him right where he is at, and that He would give Thunder's dad peace.  Pray that He would give him a radical peace!  Pray that the Lord's will would be done in the life of this family.  In addition, please pray for us.  Our hearts are deceitful.  It is hard to trust in the Lord with all of our hearts... and to lean not on my own understanding.  How hard it is to feel my flesh and His spirit at war within me.  Brooke and I are both emotionally and physically tired through all of this.  It was so hard to leave Baby Thunder again.  Please pray for his health right now.  He is not doing so well, and I believe that he senses the weight of this situation, even at his young age.   Thank you family...